NOTE: This entry was part of a blog I wrote called “Jesse 2.0” from 2010-2011. 

Day 4 of my Divorce (Monday).

I’m starting to sleep better, though I constantly dream of my lost family. And the guy down the street wakes me up every night at 4 AM leaving for work on his motorbike.

As I try to move on, I feel like I’m dodging bullets like Neo from “The Matrix.” Some I am able to gracefully dodge in slow motion; others impact deep into my skin, but they just keep coming. As soon as I think I have moved on, another one hits me.

Here are a few recent examples:

– Facebook started showing me “Singles In Your Area” ads after recognizing my change in relationship status. Real classy, guys. I have to say that’s about the last thing on my mind now. I can’t even imagine ever being involved in another personal relationship!

– I was out walking the dog* last night and our neighbors were out walking their dogs. “Where’s your dog?” she asked. I had to explain that unfortunately, the dog was with the wife now.

– My phone rang this morning, an unknown number. Could it be a divorce lawyer? A relative calling to give me a piece of their mind? I probably shouldn’t have even answered but I didn’t know what else to do. It was only Verizon, confirming (because she was at the store) that my ex-wife’s phone number could be separated from my account. I saw her standing there in my mind and it was the closest I’ve felt to her since Friday, because she won’t answer the phone.

I worked from home today to try to keep my mind off of things, which did for the most part with interruptions of reality. I’ve begun to listen to less Grateful Dead, which I’ve never give much of a chance, and more anonymous techno.

Then I went to the bank to try to figure out the lengthy procedures I will need to follow to start paying the bills. My wife handled all of that stuff, and did a great job. It’s going to be hard.

After that I could feel the stress building in my neck so I stopped at McDonalds and brought home a small dinner to eat in front of the TV with the cat and relax briefly. This was my first “meal” since Friday.

Outside of that, what little I have been eating has been healthy – mostly nuts, fruit and salads. I have been using Pepsi as a crutch to keep me on enough of a caffeine high to get through the day and am taking St. Johns Wort too, as it says on the bottle “promote a sense of well-being.” Not sure that’s working but I guess it could be worse. I’ve been staying active too, walking or jogging a couple of miles a day. I’ve lost 10 pounds – divorce is a great weight loss tool (but when I start eating more regularly I’m sure some of that weight will come back).

Tomorrow, I’m going into work, which will get me out of the house. Wednesday I’m having lunch with a close friend, and another is coming up this weekend to hang out downtown. I will remember my mantra:

I can’t go back in the past to fix things. I can’t see into the future to know how bad they are going to get. All I can do is work with what I have today. Short-term, it is about me recovering. Long-term it is about me learning from my mistakes and taking steps to avoid them in the future.

*A reader pointed out that I am in such a haze I actually said “walking the dog” here when I meant, simply, walking, which was kind of the point of the sentence. It was a sad, sad Freudian slip.