NOTE: This entry was part of a blog I wrote called “Jesse 2.0” from 2010-2011. 

Day 5 of my divorce.

I started today off with something bizarre – I went for a walk/jog before I got in the shower. I never thought I would be the type of person to do that but I refuse to stop being active during this tragic time. My vision is very bad, I can’t see a foot in front of me, but I don’t like wearing glasses, and I never put my contacts in until after I shower. So this morning I just ran blind. It worked out OK. Blurriness helps dull the memories formed on the sidewalks in our neighborhood.

I went to work today, which was good to get my mind off of things. However, there were many condolences that lasted a little too long and got the tears welling up again. It was raining out the window — being a weather enthusiast, rain wouldn’t normally bother me but when it started falling I got a familiar feeling of guilt – because I hadn’t called the wife to warn her (she has a convertible). Being the meteorologist, that was always my duty and I have little doubt that her car will be a lot wetter from now on. That would make a normal divorcee happy but it just makes me more sad.

There was one LOL: A coworker who previously worked in Anthropology said humans are wired to expect to live 30 years so 10 years of marriage is beyond “normal.”

In addition to lunch tomorrow, I setup another lunch with a friend on Friday, plus a buddy is coming up on the weekend to get me out of the house – probably walk around campus or downtown. A lot of people are offering to drag me out but I think they underestimate how much I appreciate a night at home watching TV with the cat.

But by the time I got home, I felt the best that I have since Friday; fortunately, then I had the bills to distract me further. Turns out (based on a yet-to-be-drawn-up divorce agreement) that without my wife my income is only about 2/3 of my monthly bills, and the expenses don’t go down that much. I’ve tried to think what I can cut out but haven’t come up with much – we were already living paycheck to paycheck, so we had already cut back as much as we could.

I’ll have to sell the house of course, which is fine, and if I could sell it today and cut the mortgage in half by moving into an apartment, I wouldn’t be doing too bad. But, it will take months to sell the house, so now I’m asking myself:

– What could I make at a yardsale?
– How much could I make selling nearly full-time on eBay each month?
– How much could I pawn my wedding ring for?
– Can I do without Cable TV?
– Should I sell the car and buy a beater?

I may have to do all that. TV is something my ex and I were both addicted to, something I never thought I could give up, and if she were still here, we never would. But now I can envision a life without live cable. After all, most TV shows are available on network websites and I still have a DVD player (hopefully).

Today’s quotes of inspiration (or not) come from…

The Grateful Dead: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

Carl Bard via a storm chaser on Facebook: “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

I like that.