NOTE: This entry was written by my wife, Kristi. It was part of a blog we co-authored called “Love at First Touch” from 2011-2013. 

Yesterday I read Jesse’s post and felt like a fraud.  He sounded so positive about our future even as I was feeling very negative about my past.  Naturally, because I am someone who overthinks everything, I worried myself into a teary mess.

I questioned my worth as a partner.  I realized I had not purged my past life.  This past week I have been consumed by the pity, fear, and sadness that Jesse has managed to leave behind.

I told Jesse I couldn’t write a new post because I just can’t mirror his optimism right now.  There I was, in the midst of what I resentfully call an attack of The Crazies, feeling like the future would never get here.  I wanted to avoid Jesse’s calls because I didn’t want him to know this angry, bitter version of me.  I wanted to hide from him until I could go back to being the Better Version of Me, the one I assumed was the person Jesse loves so much.

Well, that dear man would have none of that.  He isn’t easily chased away, and it turns out he loves all the versions of Me – even the cranky one who is feeling buried under all the garbage that comes with extricating oneself from a failed marriage.  Jesse loves the Me who is seething with anger and wanting to punch someone in the face.  He loves the Me who is so tired she hasn’t the energy left to fight.  He loves the Me who loves him so much.  He just loves me.  How is that even possible?

I tried to be bitter and push my Jesse away.  But instead he decided to drive down to see me this weekend and hold my hand while we say goodbye to a dear relative who recently passed away.  I tried to fall apart under the weight of all my worries, but Jesse patiently put me back together and told me that everything is going to be okay.

Jesse is right about this love we have for each other.  It is brand new and magical, and it will carry us through these painful times as I find a way to put my past in the past and create our future together.  I love that man so much.